Ok. So I don’t know where to start, or where to go with it, and it’s going to be hard because I know that some already know most of this, others some, and still more none, so just bare with me.

We’ll start with return home. It was devastating, emotionally and physically straining, and life scarring!!! Ok, so it wasn’t quite that bad. Returning home wasn’t so bad (it was great to see my family and friends), it’s the fact of staying home that is so hard to cope with!
I knew before I ever left the Philippines that I wanted to be a missionary. Though before I left the US I felt God calling me towards that, there was no question in my mind as I left that country. On the way back from Chicago while talking with Daddy I briefly mentioned the fact that I was sure of my calling. I knew that I would be able to discern from his response as to where him and Mama were standing. I could have guessed my fears would be true; I could tell that it wasn’t met with enthusiasm. It was pretty much “what if God has that in your future, but right now he calls you to be content where you are”. I’ve lived 19 going on 20 years, I can interpret that. I decided then and there, I would not bring up my desire to return to the Philippines and just wait and see if God might bring it up, then surely I would know it was of Him. Well what do you know, I hadn’t been home for more then two days, when Mama asked me what I desired for my future. I told her the truth. This time I was dealt with a blow from which I’ve not fully recovered. “Before you can be a missionary you must further your studies and get more training”. I took it hard. I just wanted to be a missionary; sharing the truth and gospel of my Lord Jesus Christ! Where are education and degrees factored in? Mama said she had been praying about it and she thought I should go for my LPN or Special Needs Teaching certification. I had considered the teaching degree prior to the medical school, but I knew that although I wouldn’t mind getting it, that’s not what I wanted right now. I just wanted to be on the mission field! As for LPN I didn’t know much about it, but I didn’t figure it would be practical to missionary medicine. I came away from that discussion rather distraught. After it burned every which way through my head for a week, I asked her about getting my nurses in the Philippines or somewhere where it might be practical. It would be much cheaper, I would be learning about the things I would be encountering in a third world country, and I would be able to have some hands on. This grand and glorious idea was blown away when she informed me that I was needed around home; certain siblings needed me relationship wise, and Daddy would need me as he considers another visionary business venture. I had determined before and during this discussion that I would not give way to tears. I was doing everything I could to hold them back, and when Mama sensed my wall I put up to her words she wanted me to talk and discuss it. I told her I couldn’t; I knew if I said just a few words the tears would flow. I walked in my bedroom, closed the door and turned off the light and almost fell when I reached my bed. I began forming the words in my mouth “I’m done for, God. I’ve tried and this is what I get in return. What is there to following you, anyway?” The words couldn’t even be uttered before tears started streaming down my face and my whole body began wracking with sobs. He spoke in everything, but audible words. I swear it was as loud as silence speaks. He said, “I love you. I love you more then you will ever be able to understand! You wouldn’t have had anything to do with me in the first place! It was I who chose you: because I love you.” As I lay there in bed, I sobbed out my gratefulness to Him for His love. I have never experienced His love like that before; the closest time would have been on the beach at Tamaraw. I could feel His arms around me. Squeezing me, holding me tight. I knew He loved me. I decided this whole issue was my own problem and I was just going to have to put my future as a missionary on the alter. I would just have to settle in to the old and normal life, and forget all dreams and visions. Mama wouldn’t leave things unconversed. A couple of days later, she asked me if I was ready to talk. Although I didn’t want to talk, knowing it would bring it up and I would have to lay it down again, I went ahead and said “sure”. She said that when her and Daddy got my letter asking them to pray about my going to the mission field, written from the Philippines, they both were excited and unanimously agreed that I was to get more training. She said that if God was calling me to the mission field, as a young woman He was calling me right now to wait. She told me I would have to learn to be content where I am, because He hasn’t revealed to them yet what He has to me and they don’t see an open door. I said I was trying and would continue to do my best.
I’m not opposed to getting more training, but until I feel God leading me to that, I don’t want to go for it. But I don’t want to sit around idle waiting for God to change hearts while I lose my vision by twiddling my thumbs. So I started an advanced biology course and plan on working through the chemistry as well, because I know that knowledge will be beneficial in any area and it might help me in determining where God is leading. So that’s where I am and what I am doing. And I might also add that Krissy was such an incredible encouragement to me right about this time, because no sooner did this last discussion occur and I got a note from her in answer to my enquiry concerning her nurses training, that she would probably not be taking that course as she, along with her parents, felt God calling her to full time mission work. She said it was so the working of God for her parents to be of that mind because up to this point they were totally not like that, her mother was especially very career minded. It hurt really bad seeing how very opposite God was working our cases, but it gave me such peace that He can and is changing hearts and that He will speak through my parents, but I have to trust in their decision.
And of course each time I talk with you Gin, I come away so refreshed and encouraged!

There, I did it.

So anyway, that’s just a quick catch up. Hopefully something more beneficial will come from me next time I decide to post! :)

I miss all of y’all sooooo bad!

Keep a Quiet Heart

The need to have a deep peace in my heart at all times has been on my mind for some time now. As a child of God, there is no reason for me to get up tight and worry about things. God is in control of all things, and all He does in my life is for my good. Ps. 37: 7-8 says, "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; ...... Do not fret--it only causes harm." I recently found the book Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot. Here is a short chapter that really stood out to me.

"Be quiet, why this anxious heed

About thy tangled ways?

God knows them all, He giveth speed,

And He allows delays." -E. W.

Nevertheless We Must Run Aground

Have you ever put heart and soul into something, prayed over it, worked at it with a good heart because you believed it to be what God wanted, and finally seen it "run aground"?

The story of Paul's voyage as a prisoner across the Adriatic Sea tells how an angel stood beside him and told him not to be afraid (in spite of winds of hurricane force), for God would spare his life and the lives of all with him on board ship. Paul cheered his guards and fellow passengers with that word, but added, "Nevertheless, we must run aground on some island" (Acts 27:26, NIV).

It would seem that the God who promises to spare all hands might have "done the job right," saved the ship as well, and spared them the ignominy of having to make it to land on the flotsam and jetsam that was left. The fact is He did not, nor does He always spare us.

Heaven is not here, it's There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for.

"Running aground," then, is not the end of the world. But it helps to make the world a bit less appealing. It may even be God's answer to "Lead us not into temptation"--the temptation complacently to settle for visible things. -Elisabeth Elliot

So, here I am, and I am determined to wait for His timing with joy and peace, even if the dream and calling He has given me runs aground! God help me!

Matthew Chapter Six

  What a challenge!
  God is definitely working on this area in my life. The first whole section of this chapter is focused and very clear about our motives in life. As we were just talking about this subject recently, when I read it, I was drawn to look into the passage much deeper than I ever had before.
  Some of the most obvious areas where motives are discernible are listed in the beginning of the chapter, but this list actually covers all areas of life.
  Then in verse thirty-three of this chapter it gives the right motive for our life "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness..." if we stick to this verse as our driving motive there is no way we can go wrong.